I think the hardest argument to sell to yourself is the argument that you can actually amount to something truly great. When you get past imagining or envisioning to the stage of being poised to take that first step, it’s hard to see more than precipitous drops. It’s hard to dive into the details of walking a difficult path when the alternative is standing back and looking at a beautiful vista that is a safe possibility. There’s safety in dreams. How heartbreaking.
On a River Far Away
In hot pursuit
Of a goal intangible.
Of dreams unfeasible.
Of a life unrealistic.
Out of touch with the reality.
Whatever, or wherever that is.
It’s disappeared, along with the idea of home.
The idea of love.
The idea of happiness.
Lost somewhere, along the way.
Not here, not today.
I’m not judging myself anymore.
In the way of the ‘should’ or ‘must’ or ‘the way things should be’.
I exist, and I’ve existed for millennia.
I will exist for millennia after.
Maybe just a memory, etched in the stony permanence of people’s disappointment.
At the edges of the realization of what might have been.
Near the others, the faceless no ones who achieved nothing, at the end of the day.
I don’t even know what love is. I’m so dead to it. I’m impenetrable. I’m a mask no one wants to wear. I can act, I can pretend it exists. I know it does, but I’ve lost the feeling for it. It’s slipped out of my fingers.
There were days, a long time ago, when I’d wake up and feel the weight of the world, lifted. I’d feel only what was present, in that moment, and nothing more. I’d feel awake and alive and remarkable. I’d feel 4 billion years of evolution in every cell of my body. I’d tingle with excitement. I’d shiver with fear. I’d live all my emotions.
I can’t feel anymore. I don’t have time. There’s the task at hand, and the tasks that come after that. Then there’s the task before all of them that I didn’t do and have to, yet. Somewhere behind my eyes that see and my hands that do, there’s a person who has retreated. Maybe out of fear, maybe out of the need for efficiency. But I’m being asked to dig deep and I need her back. Deep into those pockets of not strength, but personhood. Deep into the reserve of resilience. That doesn’t come from artifice, that doesn’t come from pushing
1) Being Strong and
2) Being Resilient and
3) Rising Above
onto my list of things to do, but from allowing myself the time to move myself forward. My heart is in the right place, it’s with the right people, but I’ve let her retreat. I’ve taken her out of the battle and out of the equation. I’ve refused to feel. I’ve tried too hard to take control.
It’s time once again, to let go. To stop holding on for dear life. To enjoy the ride.
And most of all to love, love, love and be loved.
I’ve been so busy the past few months. No posts, no documentation of all the thoughts running through my head. I’m sleepy. And life calls. It’s time to get on with it.
One Thing Blue
Summer is closing out and today was spent exploring estate sales, thrift furniture stores, the local annual arts festival. I’m remembering how much I love creativity, the arts, good music, good food, family and the outdoors.
Here’s to making the most of life and making a home out of this house that we’ve found.
PS - wandering into an old ‘doctor’s’ estate sale and finding a whole table of books with title’s such as “How to Make Love” and “S&M” along with Bullwhips…awkward. Who are the people around us, really? There are some things best kept a secret.
These beauties. Yes. This happened today :)
In true family form - well, taking after my father at least I’ve just spent a good amount of money on audio equipment out of my paychecks. But $80 for hours worth of listening pleasure is well worth the price, I think. So, I’ll skip going out to eat for the next few weeks.
Grado makes headphones with such beautiful global sound. They don’t overpower music at all and I think that’s what I like about them. They just present it to you as it was made to be heard. There’s no interpretation - just elegantly presented music. The interesting thing is, if you are distracted, it”s hard to hear the brilliance of their sound, but these guys make it easy to transport yourself into that zone of musical transcendence.
Today was a good day, besides the headphones.
Grand Rounds on Health Policy made me doubly sure that I want to impact policy and research/implement innovative healthcare delivery systems as part of my role as a physician. Whether I can actually do both is a doubt I seem to grapple with. It’s not my intellectual capabilities that I doubt, but my emotional capacity to commit to two fields that deserve deep involvement. [On a side note, it seems like Trance really seems to get me writing]. Perhaps, at this stage, when most of my efforts are pre-exploratory really, I should be more open to walking down paths even if I will later discover that they are not for me. As usual, perhaps it’s action, intent and the willingness to try the unfamiliar that set’s apart those who do, from those who get entangled in their thoughts and frankly, don’t.
I heard this song for the first time today. And I think, given where I am in life, it really touched me.
It is strange to me, how many songs are written about romantic love. As if it’s the most powerful, trouncing emotion that there is. In the world of music I sometimes feel like you have validity only if you’re writing about romantic love. But honestly, if an artist is only digging into his or her love life for material, I really wonder about the depth of their music.
Maybe it’s me who needs to explore different types of music.
I’ve thrown myself into a new life, in a land far, far away. Chasing the dream and all that.
Okay, Upstate New York. Not that exotic.
I am a 25 year old woman of South South-Asian descent described by some as an ABCD but really, with a much more mosaic-like identity.
Family, friends, music, medicine, writing, exercise, food and knowledge. I’m a person who likes to keep things simple, but sometimes in the midst of all the magic, I tend to forget that.
Here’s to maintaining that milieu intérieur.