On a River Far Away
In hot pursuit
Of a goal intangible.
Of dreams unfeasible.
Of a life unrealistic.
Out of touch with the reality.
Whatever, or wherever that is.
It’s disappeared, along with the idea of home.
The idea of love.
The idea of happiness.
Lost somewhere, along the way.
Not here, not today.
I’m not judging myself anymore.
In the way of the ‘should’ or ‘must’ or ‘the way things should be’.
I exist, and I’ve existed for millennia.
I will exist for millennia after.
Maybe just a memory, etched in the stony permanence of people’s disappointment.
At the edges of the realization of what might have been.
Near the others, the faceless no ones who achieved nothing, at the end of the day.
I don’t even know what love is. I’m so dead to it. I’m impenetrable. I’m a mask no one wants to wear. I can act, I can pretend it exists. I know it does, but I’ve lost the feeling for it. It’s slipped out of my fingers.
There were days, a long time ago, when I’d wake up and feel the weight of the world, lifted. I’d feel only what was present, in that moment, and nothing more. I’d feel awake and alive and remarkable. I’d feel 4 billion years of evolution in every cell of my body. I’d tingle with excitement. I’d shiver with fear. I’d live all my emotions.
I can’t feel anymore. I don’t have time. There’s the task at hand, and the tasks that come after that. Then there’s the task before all of them that I didn’t do and have to, yet. Somewhere behind my eyes that see and my hands that do, there’s a person who has retreated. Maybe out of fear, maybe out of the need for efficiency. But I’m being asked to dig deep and I need her back. Deep into those pockets of not strength, but personhood. Deep into the reserve of resilience. That doesn’t come from artifice, that doesn’t come from pushing
1) Being Strong and
2) Being Resilient and
3) Rising Above
onto my list of things to do, but from allowing myself the time to move myself forward. My heart is in the right place, it’s with the right people, but I’ve let her retreat. I’ve taken her out of the battle and out of the equation. I’ve refused to feel. I’ve tried too hard to take control.
It’s time once again, to let go. To stop holding on for dear life. To enjoy the ride.
And most of all to love, love, love and be loved.